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The Remember WENN Character Tribute
by Jen Payne
Home      Quotes

WHAT THE CHARACTERS SAID...


I intend to fill these out to make complete transcripts of episodes sometime... but you know about good intentions...
For now, these are just the lines that stood out to me.

If you find any errors, please email me and include "Quote Error" in the message title. Thanks!

The following are direct phrases taken down from listening and watching episodes of Remember WENN.
All the words below and on the next three tabs were written by Rupert Holmes.
 
SEASON ONE:

Episode 1: On the Air
Episode 2: Klondike 9366
Episode 3: A Rock and a Soft Place
Episode 4: There But For the Grace
Episode 5: Sight Unseen
Episode 6: Emperor Smith
Episode 7: Who's Minding the Asylum?
Episode 8: Armchair Detectives
Episode 9: Hilary Booth, Registered Nurse
Episode10: Valentino Speaks
Episode11: Capital Punishment
Episode12: Popping the Question
Episode13: World of Tomorrow



Episode 1: On the Air


“I thought for certain that life would never be the same again, my darling.
I thought that there was no way to turn back the hands of time, but yet,
here we are, things exactly as they used to be.”

“When you suffered from amnesia and joined the New Spanish Resistance?” “Yes.”

“The Hands of Time is brought to you on a continuing basis by the makers of Midas Hand Lotion.
Let your hands have the Midas touch. This is WENN, Pittsburgh, the time is Two PM.” (dong)

“Hop in the wagon, climb in the back, we’re gonna mosey down to the shack,
where we'll stop to visit Colonel Moore by the big tall barrel at the General Store.”
“Yes, it’s two o’clock. Time to get to jabber and jaw and chew the straw at the General Store with Colonel Moore. Colonel?”

“Hello.” “Auditions are Mondays and Wednesdays.” “I think I already got the job. I’m Betty Roberts. I’m the new intern.”
“Oh, you’ll need an intern by the end of the week if you last that long.”

“Peanut brittle… would you say that’s primarily brittle, or do the peanuts predominate?”
“Peanuts predominate. Oh, listen honey, leave your things here with me, you can watch the show if you want to.”
“It’s ok to watch? I mean, they’re, you know, on.” “Honey, this crowd is always on. Go watch.”

“Are you a passionate listener?” “I beg your pardon?”

“Oh, I never listen. I’m not from this area. I’m from Elkhart…that’s Indiana. I was in college there…”

“Jeffery, at least give the poor thing a chance to unpack her tractor.”

“Jeffery, isn’t it wonderful she’s come to us while all her enthusiasm is still unhampered by diplomacy or tact.
So good to have you with us, Betsy.”

“What a shrew.” “A viper.” “My God.” “My wife.” “I had no idea…” “Neither did I when I married her.” “I’m terribly sorry.”
“I have nothing but regrets, myself. Now how about that lunch?” “But you’re married.” “Married people eat lunch.”
“Thanks, I’ll get a bite on my own after I meet Mr. Comstock.”

“Ah, that was meant to be, ah, humorous jest, miss; a merry quip?” “It was just an ice-breaker.”
“Uh-huh. So was the Titanic. Tell me, did you plan that opening line all the way from Moosehead?”
“Elkhart.” “Moosehead; Elkhart; deer-bladder; whatever zoological and anatomical conjunction you prefer.”

“Mr. Comstock, Mr. Gioneitti, he’s been, you know…” “Well, unless there’s a prize for guessing, I’d like you to tell me.”

“I tell you this job is going to drive me to an early grave.” “I don’t think that’s mathematically possible.”

“How many words can you type?” “Oh, so many kinds.”

“So vent your emotion, pour out your passion, spill your guts. Let that creative gorge rise within you and heave your…
No, no, no, on second thought, don’t do any of that.”

“Just start typing, man. Give us your sweeping narrative, that epic saga, that crowning,
dramatic achievement of world literature and have it for me in five minutes. Get him some coffee.”

“Ms. Booth, I apologize if it seemed like I was flirting with my husband earlier. I wasn’t.”
“Oh, that’s alright, dear. You’re not my Jeffery’s type. You’re not blonde, bubbly and bent on self-promotion.”

“I’ve never been able to understand egg salad. I mean, what's it made of? Eggs and mayonnaise.
But what's mayonnaise made from? Eggs. So… why bother?”

“Mr. Gioneitti’s running a little late…” “Mr. Gioneitti’s running a little distillery.”
“I’m sure he’ll finish before you go on the air.” “My performance might grow stale if I saw the script in advance…”

“Wonderful. I’ll just eggsalad… examine them for any typos or sandwiches.”

“Miss Roberts, your internship is a non-paying job.” “But I won your contest.
My sample script was in every way a professional…”
“Really? Well, um, let’s look at that, shall we?

“She looks at him with silent devotion, her eyes saying what her lips can not.
He reaches toward her, brushing the tears from her cheek. Pulling her toward him quietly,
yet forcefully, they embraced with unspoken passion. She smiles up at him as the two,
wordlessly, begin their slow descent from the mountaintop. Memorable.” “Thank you.”
“What you have just described is 45 seconds of silence. By now, most of our listeners would
have either tuned to another station or left to have their ears de-waxed.”
“Mr. Comstock, I realize that this is a unique opportunity…” “Unique? It is inestimable!”

“This is what our competition plays from sun-up to sun-down.” “Camptown Races?” “Records.”

“That’s funny, I was listening to the same program and I thought the hero looked a lot like me…”
“And therein lies the magic: tens of thousands of people, out there, listening; each envisioning their own
motion picture of the mind. And that is what we give our audience, Miss Roberts. We give them dreams.
We give them towers and landscapes, secrets and revelations. We give them a warm hearth in the dark…
or a cold shiver up their spine. And we do it all here, live, on the sparest of threadbare budgets,
with a troupe of actors who, underpaid, under-rehearsed and overwhelmed – have yet to learn that this simply cannot be done.
Miss Roberts, you are standing in the wings of the most unbounded stage in creation.
Say you’ll join our company?” “Yes, I will.” “Good. We need those other pages.”

“There seems to be an over-abundance of hairless Hamlets on the boards right now, so instead of the Merchant of Venice,
I’m the merchant of vegetable soup. I alone be-weep my outcast state…”
“…and look upon myself and curse my fate. But in the same sonnet Shakespeare said, ‘I think on thee and then thy state…”
“…sings hymns on heaven’s gate. Remind me to like you a lot, okay?”

“It’s not the malaria that has me shaking, you adorable fool.”
“Here I’ve been talking to you and all the time you’ve been sound… dead.”

“Oh, look, a mailman passing by. Isn’t that quaint?”
“Oh, Daphne, haven’t I ever told you that it’s wasteful to throw out your old potato peels?
Save them along with your used coffee grinds and discarded cabbage. They make an effective and
inexpensive fertilizer for your backyard, my darling.”

“Look around. See if you can find any pages he might have written.”

“Well, Daphne, here we are at the summit, with all the world below us.”
“You know, Phillip, Jeffery! Jeffery, Phillip, just a silly little nick-name for you, isn’t it wonderful?
Let’s… let’s, let’s, let’s listen to the river.” “Good idea. Let’s just sit hear and listen to the river.”
“Just listen to that river.” “It does sound like a river, at that.”

“Yes, look at all the trout, and the water buffalo, and the...” “Kelp.” “Kelp, splashing merrily together in the river.”
“And the children.” “The children.” “Yes, skating so merrily on the ice.” “Lovely children. Phillip?” “Yes?”
“I feel that I could just sit here and watch the river this way for another…” “Eight minutes.” “Eight minutes.”

“You can’t help in here, help in the studio.” “Mr. Comstock, I think he’s dead.” “Miss Roberts, we’re live. Get in there.
What the heck is that?” “Damn. It’s that infernal dam has stopped the river.” “Stopped? Rivers don’t stop.”
“Phillip, you once said something to me that began, ‘Oh, never say that I was false of heart’?”
“False of heart…it’s a sonnet by Shakespeare.” “Well, let me hear it now, Phillip.”

“Oh, that’s beautiful. How many sonnets are there?” “154.” “Well, let’s have them all. But Phillip, you’re trembling?
Are you cold or is it the Malaria?”

“For the record… I think your 45 seconds of silence was one of the most romantic moments I’ve ever heard on the radio.”

“This is WENN signing off until tomorrow, when we’ll try to do all this again. Goodnight.”



Episode 2: Klondike 9366


“Home Sweet Home and Cottage Cozy; the sky is blue and life is rosy.
Let me now raise high this banner: Welcome to our Bedside Manor.”

“Mrs. Roosevelt looked at the men and the ship and said…” “Who’s the blonde at the window?”
“Sorry dear?” “She's gone now. Who was the girl at the window?” “At the window?”
“Yes, a bit common looking, but she was waving too you as if she knew you!”
“You mean at the conservatory window darling?” “I mean right over there, Pumpkin. Who was she?”
“Well, I think she might have been the new maid...” “Really? She looked more like an actress to me...
at least that's what she says her profession is every time the police pull her in for questioning.
How is it that you know her, Jeffery?”

“Uh... if I may, there is a legend of a ghost who walks the halls of Bedside Manor; one who wears cheap lipstick...”

“Hilary, forgive my impetuous curiosity, but, um, aren’t you supposed to be on the air?”

“To Celia, with warmest regards… or I’ll kill you.”

“Now Miriam, you wouldn’t want to spend all day just listening to the radio…”
“Not, perhaps, the official opinion of our station…”

“…the anonymity of our faceless medium…someone in the dark, telling all…and we could produce it dirt cheap.”

“So, what's our last program before sign-off?” “A Book at Bedtime.” “Who's the sponsor?”
“Cup O' Comfort, the nutritious nightcap.” “I'll call Medwick at Pennsylvania Pantry! Oh, God, I love radio!
You can bring something to life at the speed of a bolt of lightening! It's like being God!”
“Or Frankenstein! What do you do to make the telephone voices loud enough for the radio?”
“I don't know.” “What do you do if nobody calls?” “I can't imagine.”
“How do you handle the extra calls?” “I haven't a clue. Let's do it tonight!”

“They don’t look very compatible.” “Nonsense, they’re professionals. How are you two getting along out there?”
“We’re not talking.” “Isn’t talking supposed to be a big part of the program?”
“Mr. Medwick is our sponsor.” “Hi, hi! Exciting, isn’t it? My first day in a radio station and I’m going on the air… live.”

“Women in broadcasting! ‘Let’s just tell our listeners to turn down their radios…’
Station owners would love that, hey, Victor?” “It was an excellent suggestion.”

“This is really uncharted terrain.” “Ah, but that’s the thrill, man.
Who would you rather be? A tourist in Asbury Park, or Columbus?”
“Well, there’s not much to see in Columbus as far as I know…”

“Am I hallucinating, or did they just broadcast an advertisement for my competition?”
“There’s no additional charge.”

“…and call us with your questions…” “Or you may want to try writing to us, care of this station.”

“But if we don’t defend the President, it’ll sound like the station has signed a non-aggression pact with Hitler.
Now get out there, Betty. Get going.”
“Well, I was brought up to believe that if you don’t have something nice to say about someone…”
“Sir, this is W.E.N.N.’s political editor speaking…what about social security…”

“Being married to Hilary Booth is like… hell on earth.”

“They’ve done something to my switchboard!”

“Then send another patrol car! All Pittsburgh is listening to you bums doing nothing!”

“Ah, Betty. Can I…walk you to the trolley?” “Yes, thanks.”



Episode 3: A Rock and a Soft Place


“Rance Shiloh has no shootout!” “Mr. Acton, sir, there were five shootings in the script.”
“Five and a half, actually. A stray bullet hits a passing blacksmith, but it was only a flesh wound.”
“Well, let’s hope they stay a little more on target.” …
“Well, Mr. Acton, I know you don’t want more violence only for its own sake… you want more,
ah, physicalization of the emotional conflict…” “No. I want more violence.”

“..creating the Acton Action Hour! I thought you’d like the idea.” “Oh, well, I love the idea.”
“Love it.” “The part about five-thousand dollars is particularly clever.”

“Don’t move! Mr. Comstock, we nearly forgot!” “What?” “That Mr. Acton has to wait in this room for the surprise.”
“Oh, you mean the really wonderful surprise that we nearly forgot? Do you need help with that out in the hall, Betty?”
“Oh, certainly.”

“The woman from the Pittsburgh Public Library…she's here, and she's all in a snit about Rance Shiloh.
“Having them meet would be like introducing nitro to glycerin.”

“Mellon… isn’t that interesting. We have someone working here with that same last name.”
“Is that your standard form of greeting, or do you all suffer from giddiness?”

“…and I heard this barbaric western show… Rancid…” “That would be Rance Shiloh, US Marshall.”

“I’m sorry, due to… disorientation, this week’s etiquette tips,
normally read by Lucille Genteel will now be read by… Mitzy Ritzy.”

“She wants Acton off the air, Acton wants her off the air, if we give them both what they want, we’ll all be off the air!
My God! Betty! Do you have any idea what WENN could do with five-thousand dollars?
Just to begin with we could, we could pay our bills…”

“He called me Genghis Kahn…” “Ah, he’s a little hard of hearing. I’ll get you that coffee.
That was white with two spoons of lumps?”

“Step. And step and turn!” “Great idea, Comstock! Dancing lessons on the radio!”

“You want me to go to the Buttery, order a tray full of sandwiches on various breads and be back in two minutes.” “Why, yes…”

“I have pictures of myself at home! I’ll go get them.”

“There is a reception for the station now going on in the green room.” “Food!”
“He said that the reception for our station is strong in Greenland.” “Hmph!”

“Sometimes, Betty, you can have your cake and eat it too.” “What else would you do with cake?”

“I think this program has everything you asked for, Mr. Acton, and then some…”

“At this moment, thousands of people are hooked… and they don’t even know it’s Shakespeare.”

“Tons of murder and romance, huh? Eleven deaths, seven murders, two poisonings and a drowning…” “I love it!”

“Next week…Beth and Mac…the most evil twosome since Bonnie and Clyde. Murder with a shot of Scotch."

“I learned something growing up too, Celia.” “What was that?” “I learned how to keep a secret.



Episode 4: There but For the Grace


“I hope I didn’t scratch her…ah, it.”

“I know her like I know myself.”

“Hilary, wouldn’t it be wonderful to drop the affectations, the grandness,
for a minute and speak and behave like a normal human being?” “Hmm. For what purpose?”

“Problem?” “No, nothing.” “What do you mean, "nothing"? Is it really nothing because it's nothing,
or is it nothing because it's something you don't want to tell me, or is it nothing because it's
something that you will tell me if I promise to say nothing?” “The last one, I think… promise not to tell?”
“All ears, no lips…”

“So, I know when she comes prancing through that door, we’ll all turn at once and say…” “Hello, Hilary.”
“Grace Cavendish! God bless you, you’re a sight for sore eyes.”

“Mr. Eldridge? You’re not Tom Eldridge?” “No? Then I’ve made a terrible mistake…”

“Ah, Ms. Cavendish. I’m terribly sorry I was not here to greet you when you arrived.
I was at the bank determining the market value of an arm and a leg.”
“Victor Comstock. I’m such an admirer of the things you did in New York.
They’re truly memorable.” “Ah, well, it’s mutual, I assure you.”

“Our control room is second to many in Pittsburgh.” “Very funny.”

“She’s been here ten minutes and already she’s learned more about them than I have in three years.
Just demonstrates how tight-lipped everyone is around me.”
“That would be it, yes.” “They love her. I loath her. Oh, well… I must live with them every working day.
So, I’ll simply have to loath them as well.”

“And the signal carries as far north as Hackensack.” “And you don’t miss New York?”
“Well, certainly, the thought of that…” “Sorry. I just had to cut past all your usual formality.
I saw a new comic book character on the news stands called ‘The Man of Steel’. I thought,
“Oh, they made a comic book about Victor.”
“I didn’t know what your coming here meant. Are you and I the reason our station has been graced with your coming?”
“No. The fundraising campaign is very real. I just added another stop in Pittsburgh.
Well, Pittsburgh is along the way from Dallas to Chicago. You didn’t get my telegram?”
“No, I didn’t. What’d it say?” “That I wanted to give things another try.”
“Your work takes you to many wonderful places; and my work has taken me here.” “You admit that you think about us.”
“On the rare occasion where I pick up a magazine or a newspaper, and I see you neatly framed with some lofty superstructure.
Eifel Tower, Big Ben, Gary Cooper. I’ve also grown quite sentimental about movie marquees; your name gets put up there quite a bit.
Besides that, and hearing your voice on every single jukebox in creation. No; I hardly never give us the slightest thought.”

“I’ll show her what ‘rivals’ means.”

“They talk about you in New York. They wonder why you left.”
“Well, for one thing, you left.” “That isn’t the whole story.”
“No, it isn’t to be sure. I also left because of two little words.
Artistic freedom. What fools, they gave me all the artistic freedom I wanted.
Ah, what I was coming up with terrified them…but here, I get to experiment;
I get to do everything I’ve always wanted to do…”
“Alright. If you won’t leave this, maybe I can try settling here. It would be nice to go to work, do a little singing,
a little acting, and then walk home with you… Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Like a happy ending in a movie.”
“Or a big finish in a Broadway show. Neither of which you could do here in Pittsburgh, PA.”
“I don’t care where we go. You can do radio anywhere. Let’s just be together.”
“Oh, well, then. The choice is up to me then, yes?”
“Excuse me. The brisket of beef is getting cold… if you’d care to join us.”
“You’re right. We’ve got to get Ms. Cavendish back to the party; thank you, Betty.”

“Say lady, didn’t you know you were speeding?”
“Officer, I was just trying to keep a safe distance between me and the car behind me…”
“You also made an illegal turn in the middle of the road.”
“Well, I wanted to keep going straight, but the sign said, ‘No. You Turn!’”
“Now don’t start being funny…” “Are you kidding? With those jokes?”
“Well, you’ll both have to face the judge. You could get 60 days or 60 dollars.”
“Uh, I guess we’ll take the money.”
“Now, listen, I didn’t come here to be insulted.” “Why? Where do you usually go?”
“I’m not a complete fool, you know.” “Which bit is missing?”
“You’re next to an idiot!” “Pleased to meet ya!”

“Our battery is on the fritz.” “Pour salt on the engine.” Why would you do that?"
“You’ve never heard of a-salt and battery?” “But the battery needs to be charged…”
“That’s right! I’m charging you with assault.” “But the battery is dead.”
“Then it’s murder. I sentence you to the hot seat.” “The electric chair?”
“No, the seat of my motor-bike. Hop on; I hope you can carry a tune-tune.”
“Why – why?” “Because we’re going to Sing-Sing.”

“It’s the final number of a show that opened to great success on the road, but sadly never made it to Broadway…
Remember you, remember me, and all those dreams come true that never came to be.
The foggy lights of distant nights now shine so clearly, and I can hear your voice as if you're mine and near me.
What might have been, can live agian. I'll meet you then if you remember when. Re-mem-ber when.”

“You’re staying…” “I don’t know if this station needs me, but…I need to be here.”

“You see, I must like it here… except for that carpet.”

“Celia…” “Yes, I like you, Jeff. But I also like your wife. Well, I mean, no one likes your wife, but she’s your wife…”



Episode 5: The Vagabond


“It would be nice to go with a pal of a gal who knows a thing about swing; what do you say?”

“Mackie, the audience can't see you. You don't need it.” “Okay, I use the smoking jacket as a crutch.”
“I should have used more starch.”

“How many kids do we have now, Betty?” “Just three. Mr. Comstock was hoping for a lot more. I’m afraid I let him down.”

“I feel I should warn you…so you don’t embarrass yourself like others have…I’m blind.”
“So is love. Perhaps we should warn people about that before they embarrass themselves.”
“You are the Vagabond.”

“What does the color blue sound like?” “Sad, but very proud.”

“Well, I wasn’t expecting so many personal questions about my beliefs, Mr. Winthrop.”

“Okay, the kids were a bad idea…”

“Feel free…my face is an open book.”

“I’m Custard the Clown’s brother… Mustard.”

“Mackie, how are you feeling?” “Blue… sad, but not very proud.”

“Your smile is sad, but very proud.”



Episode 6: Emperor Smith


“Let me tell you, sister, no one believes your story.” “There is one person who believes it.”
“Oh, you mean the guy who writes to you every day, the one who calls himself, ‘Lord Branley’?”

“I was thinking he’d be more mid-Atlantic, what do you think, Mr. Eldridge?”
“I wouldn’t know…I’ve never been to Greenland.”

“How credible do I sound as a man? My family is known throughout the continent…”
“About as credible as you look.”

“Comstock, that actor is…” “…giving an excellent performance; I know.”
“But he’s Hilary Booth’s new love interest and he’s… I mean he’s not…”
“Hmm. Not really British… I still think he’s persuasive in the role…” “This is going to cause an uproar.”
“Except for the fact that you and the fine people at American Way Greeting Cards wouldn’t stand for racism
or bigotry of any kind, hmm?” “That’s right.”

“Ah, Betty, could I have a word with you…”
“So that means that you’re going to be in charge of the station until I get back from Washington.

“But what does the government want with…” “Well, apparently it’s so top secret, they haven’t even told me yet.”
“I’d never even consider…” “No, no, Betty, now remember how wonderfully you handled yesterday’s crisis?
The station is going to be in very capable hands. Do you, Betty Roberts, promise to uphold the principles
about which I have long become cynical? – Say ‘I do’.” “I do.”

“You. You work here?” “Alright, what should I do?”

“What’s he like?” “Well, I guess the same things we all like:
a descent job, nice people to work with, a little money in the pocket.”

“Well, tell me your favorite thing about him.” “Oh, he slices sandwiches tri-angular. Oh, I really like that a lot.”

“They’re actors; I’m talking about real people.”

“Animals!” “They’re just curious, Hilary.” “They didn’t want my autograph. They’re animals.
Betty, I thought we were supposed to be living in a civilized country?
I want you to go out into that mindless, unruly mob and tell them who I am!”

“Gertie, we're closed to the public and the press. No one strange is allowed in the studio.”
“Oh? When did we change those rules?”

“I used to have a beard! That very well might have been it…”

“Mackie Bloom? But his lips aren’t moving.” “He’s a ventriloquist.”
“I thought his throat was out of order?”
“Throat, not his voice. Once it’s outside his throat, it’s fine!”

“You’ll just have to keep waiting for things to change.”
“Well, you know me, Mr. Eldridge. I’m a real’ good waiter.”



Episode 7: Who’s Minding the Asylum?


“Who pinched my fur! …my fox stole. It’s not in there. I’ve looked everywhere; someone stole my stole.”
“Hilary, we'll find it. What does it look like?” “Looks like a fox, huh, only dead. Bushy tail, tiny claws, snapping jaws...”
“It's amazing how people resemble their pets, eh?”
“Jeffrey, darling, the train leaves shortly…why don't you be under it?”

“Mr. Comstock, uh, you have got to be out that door in 60 seconds if you are going to catch that train.”
“I know, don’t you love a deadline?” “It’s just a radio convention, right?”
“Ah-ha! But we’re going to be presenting an unconventional idea. Pre-recorded radio.
I’ll have you people performing all over the country.”
“That’s spreading us a little thin, even for our standards, don’t you think?”
“Ah, you’re going to be performing on records; it’ll triple our revenues.”
“It’ll triple our salaries!” “Ah, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

“Tell us Mr. Weatherman, really we want to know, whither the weather or whether or not it’s going to be hot.
Or will the thermometer drop or the rain plip-plop or are we facing a foot of snow?”

“It looks like the kind of rain that will fall continually downwards.”

“Stay tuned for Wee Mary McGregor, Veterinarian; eventually. This is WENN; in Pittsburgh;
in Pennsylvania; the Keystone state, where, um, as a public service to our neighboring states,
WENN proudly presents an encore performance of 'Lost is My Valley', at twice the volume for listeners with weak reception.”
“We have ten minutes!” “We have a visitor. Isn’t that one of our sponsors?”

“Great Stories From the Good Book. Oh, yes, disc thirty to disc thirty-four.” “What’s that?”
“Oh, I said, ah, this dirty, oooh, this dirty floor. Eugenia, please ask Mr. Eldridge to sweep the hallway,
and tell everyone that I’m going to take Mr. Medwick into a clean room.” “Clean room?” “Green room, yes…”

“I thought I’d give you the news that the, ah, revolutions are just about over.” “Revolutions? What revolutions?”
“The Russian Revolutions, I hear they’re just about over.”
“They were over in 1917!” “Oh, well, we never report anything unless it’s confirmed by several sources.”

“You’re artistic director gave me his word there would be absolutely no creativity in this show.”

“Ah, Gladys, ‘tis a bonnie dey.” “That it is, chuckling, that it is.”
“How do you feel, on a bright day like this?” “Pregnant…pregnant pause…”

“Do you like my suitcase?”
“May you be kicked by a duck.”
“You are eating my salad.”

“Oh, they’ll turn on us alright if we keep broadcasting this bilge.”

“There has got to be something we can put on the air that is true and fresh and honest
that will completely hood-wink Mr. Medwick.”

“Everyone is ordinary until they give it that something extra.
After all, you know the difference between ordinary and extraordinary… extra.”

“We could showcase the talent right here in this room!” “Oh! That should kill about ten minutes.”

“There was a young man from Nantucket who kept all his cash in a bucket.
He saw it was there and he combed his hair and that was all he could do, gosh darn it.”

“Would you uka-like-a-laily, said the lady with the lei, I could truly like you lady, said the man from Andale.
Looka-uka-daily play me, like a strumin’ on a strings, in the eucalyptus tree-tops, doing kooka-kissy things.”

“Well, I can’t think of anyone I’d rather put on than you, Mr. Medwick…”

“I looked up to, I looked up to, I looked up to… I looked up to heaven, and what did I see?”



Episode 8: Armchair Detectives


“Psshaw! Lestrade is an idiot.” “Yes, but without him, we would never get to use the word ‘blithering’.”

“If our surprise guest doesn’t show up in exactly 60 seconds, you can tell Hilary that she is going to be the surprise guest.”
“She was the surprise guest last week.” “Well, that’ll make it that much more surprising.”

“I wouldn’t worry. The worst danger this station could face is if we just paid our
electrical bill and then suffered a complete power failure. So he just hung up?”
“The line went dead. At least I assume it was the line that went dead and not… him.”

“Uh, but first… can you guess how many times the letter E occurred in that last sentence? Anyone?”

“…so he does woodworking at home, obsessively, compulsively, as a diversion from his sadness;
still un-impressed with Sherlock Holmes, Warden?”
“…I might be, say, a convict who knocked out the warden in his office
after seeing on his calendar that he had an appointment here today,
and then drove the warden’s car out the main gate so that I could be here right now.
What detective school did you go to Sherlock?” “Elementary, I guess.”

“Nobody move! Anybody try anything and the blonde gets it.” “She’s no more blonde than I am.”

“Listen, dear. I’m losing the color from my fingernails… do you mind if I put my arms down?”

“You couldn’t have chosen a less public place to hide than a radio broadcast?”

“Your case? You’re, you’re Larry Looper! I played you!” “I wasn’t crazy about your performance.” “Oh, everyone’s a critic.”
“You’re the butler who poisoned Carlton Kilion?” “For a very good reason, I’m sure.”
“The jury said I did it, you said I did it, now I’m doing life. So this time, you’re going to do life…my life…
only I want to see if you can find a different who in who done it.”
“Mr., uh, Looper. If we were to take another crack at your case, would you give yourself up peacefully?” “Maybe.”
“Well, that sounds fair… since you have the gun.”

“And our last mystery song was, of course, entitled…was entitled…the Very Famous Circus Song.”

“Oh, Mr. Foley – show him what we’ve got.” “Oh, ummm! Thank you Mr. Foley.”

“We now resume our program, broadcast live, God willing.” “Who killed Carlton Kilion?

“Was it the faithless, young wife?” “We were married till death do us part, and I did my part.”
“Was it the attractive, young maid?” “I don’t do windows, and I would never turn down your bed.”
“Or was Kilion’s resting stone laid by the stone-faced housekeeper?” “I was mentioned in the will,
and where there’s a will, there’s a wake.”
“Perhaps the cook decided to spoil the broth…” “You’re goose is cooked. Shall I carve?” “Or was it the surly nephew?”
“Or did the uncouth butler do it?” “Who you callin’ uncouth?”

“Two weeks ago, Armchair Detectives agreed with the police that the millionaire had been killed by the butler, Larry Looper,
but tonight we re-open the case, and return to the scene of the crime…by popular demand.”

“I know you’re watching us, you and that gargoyle of a housekeeper, but either of you try digging up the dirt, and I’ll bury you.”

“Millie, take the rest of the night off.” “Oh, and it is only midnight. Thank you very much.”

“Don't try that again, smart guy!” “Sorry, I mistook you for a chair. “Boy, you have been in prison a long time.”

“Jeffery dear, where are you? If I can’t see you, I won’t be able to hurt you.”

“Who the blazes did the casting for this thing? Miss Craven? The gargoyle? Who, who, who gave out these parts?”
“Well...Jeffy did.” “Jeffy? So…it's Jeffy now, is it? “Hilary, we still have a murder to solve…”
“Yes, the death of Jeffy, whose thick head was repeatedly bludgeoned by a blunt ingénue.”
“Four glasses of champagne… Larry, there’s at least six glasses of champagne in every bottle.”
“You know that for sure?” “He knows, believe me, he knows.”

“Our storm-beaten audience awaits your pleasure.” “Again?” “Once more, if you please, Mr. Holmes.”



Episode 9: Hilary Booth, Registered Nurse


“What did you say, Doughboy?” “I said I can’t hear you over all this noise! Oh, good, a cease-fire.”

“I’m just an insignificant nurse, taking out my box of pills while you take out an enemy pillbox.
You, soldier, you’re what matters.”

“Yes, general, I, I understand…but, ah, but, that, ah, doesn’t give me much time…of course. I will stay by this phone.
Oh, I’m sorry, Adrian, that was the war department on the line.”

“Then we are on the air!” “Coast to coast!” “Well, I wouldn’t exactly call 10 cities coast to coast…”
“Wilmington is on the east coast, Biloxi is on the Gulf coast, I call that coast to coast.
Has your station ever been on the air, live, in so many places?”
“Well, no, it takes a prestigious producer, such as yourself to make that happen.”

“A real kiss doesn’t sound like that.” “Well, gee, I don’t know if a real kiss actually makes a sound.”
“I know you don’t know.” “Well, I didn’t mean I don’t know…”

“Now that’s what a real kiss sounds like, right, right?” “Sounds more like the kiss of death, to me.
Let's see what the situation is here, shall we? I'm your wife, I find you kissing Charlie Chaplin here…”
“Charlie Chaplin?” “The little tramp. It seems to me, Jeffrey, that there's a rich tradition which calls for you to
minimally be hemming and hawing at this moment. Haw away.”
“Hilary, it was nothing. Really, I was standing here watching the whole thing.”
“Then you're even more depraved than he is.” “Hilary, a little kiss never did anyone any harm.”
“No. No, not like a miss-wired microphone that sends thousands of kilowatts
of ungrounded voltage coursing through a young actress' body. Or have I said too much?” “No. I’m just glad you’re not angry.”

“Hmm. I came for my Woman’s View on the News script. What’s my topic tonight?” “The Girl Scouts. You think they’re swell.”
“Well, good, big night, tonight. We’ll torture you about this later, Pumpkin.”

“Well, that could have been a lot worse, don’t you think?”

“Well, there’s not that many kisses in the script…”

“I’ll just lie down on those trenches over there…”

“Dr. Hale will know. Page Dr. Hale. Or is it hail Dr. Page?”

“Call Dr. Sebastian.” “Dr. Sebastian?” “He’s a character on Jane Timmons, Registered Nurse.
Hilary, how do you feel?” “Proud to be serving my country.”

“Oh, this is all my fault.” “How could it possibly be your fault?”
“I have no idea, but believe me, when she’s herself again, it’ll be all my fault.”

“Ah, forgive me, but I’ve been playing the new show’s theme song for the last five minutes
and I think our listeners probably know the tune by now; do you have any requests?” “Madam….”
“I know Alu-wetta.” “Wake me when the wounded arrive.”

“Uh, Hilary…” “Mackie, go out and broadcast something.”
“Ah, no, no, no, you see, it’s a, a woman’s view on the news, ah, I don’t think I can do that alone.”
“Well, let Jeff help you out.”

“A ‘Woman’s View on the News’, normally brought to you six minutes ago will not be heard at this time.
So that we may bring you a special presentation of – last Tuesday’s racing results.”
“Yes, I can see it now as if it were…” “…last Tuesday.”

“Hilary, this is a very important broadcast!” “Betty, I’d like you to meet Mr. Adrian Carr.” “Betty Roberts.”
“It’s a pleasure, but, ah, who’s this?” “It’s a thrill and an honor, Mr. Carr.”
“I’m sure, but, ah, hello, Hilary.” “Oh, I must have drifted off. Hello there, soldier.”
“It’s Adrian, dear. Adrian Carr. I’d hate to think that you’ve forgotten me.”
“Oh, I’m usually good with faces, but there have been so many lately. Too many faces, too much suffering. Jane Timmons.”
“Ah, yes, yes, I am Jane Timmons.” “Jane? I thought your name was Betty?” “Betty-Jane. My friends called me BJ. BJ Roberts…
ah, Roberts-Timmons. My father’s name was Timmons, but he didn’t do the right thing by my mother…” “I’m very sorry.”
“…so I have to hyphenate the two last names. I don’t usually tell people that, but, well, I just hope you won’t judge me.”
“Judge you? I don’t even know you. Do you think I could have a word with our star?”
“Bu…I thought I’d bring you into the control room, Mr. Carr.” “You’re looking over-worked, dear.
I’ll take your shift for you. Doctor Sebastian, see that she gets some rest, won’t you?”
“You’re a doctor Comstock?” “Oh, Doc Comstock we call him. He cures any ills our programs come down with.”
“But he’s not a Sebastian, he’s a Victor.” “There are no victors in war, just survivors and casualties.”
“Betty, don’t we have to talk about something in my, um, office, hmm?”
“I’ll just reminisce with this wonderful woman for a moment.”
“Betty, my office.” “Uh, um, ok, um, but Hilary, now, you just stay comfortable and be yourself, you know,
that strong, bold, HIL-A-RY Booth, we all know and love and FEAR!”

“Well, it’s good to see a familiar face.” “Yes, so, what brings you to France?”

“When did she hit her head?” A couple of minutes ago.” “Did you phone for a doctor?”
“I had Celia do that.” “That may have been a mistake.”
“My gosh, it took forever to find a doctor named Sebastian, but he said it didn’t sound like Hilary had a percussion,
but he’s driving here from Altoona, just to make sure, okay?” “Better than I thought.
So, Hilary’s in the green room with Adrian Carr.” “Adrian Carr? The producer? He’s doing Peter Pan on Broadway;
has he cast it yet?” “Well, I think he’s talking to Mickey Rooney. So, Betty…”
“Mickey Rooney? What kind of Peter Pan would he make? Peter’s always played by a trim, pretty ageniue, with moxy,
with spirit, with a truck-load of pixie-dust. Where’s my leotards?” “I’m worried about that combination of pixie and moxy.”
“I’m more worried about Hilary. She thinks everyone’s in the army.” “Hello, ah, yes, General?” “It’s catching.”
“One moment, Sir. You’ve got to handle Hilary.” “But, I…I…” “That’s an order. Ah, ah no, Sir, I know that you give the orders.”

“And as is the tradition between the seventh and eighth races,
the crowd stood and sang ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ fourteen times.”

“You’ve got to be a little patient…” “No, you’re the Little Patient.”

But you have to be prepared as well.” “No. I’m going to stay here and enjoy myself.”
"But prepping is necessary. We’ve got to make sure you’re…” “Comfortable.” “No, shaved. Especially your abdomen.”

“Mr. Comstock, I think we really need you in there!”
“You will have to manage without me. Ah, no, Sir, ah, not you. I know you can do it.”

“I don’t understand.” “Shouldn’t we be scrubbing up?” “Ah, yes, we should all wash our hands…”
“Everything must be sterile – we have boiled everything?” “Oh, New England boiled dinner is it…”
“Why aren’t we wearing masks?” “Oh, a masquerade party, is it? Sounds like wonderful fun.
Ah, but Daphne, here’s your guest of honor now… Hello Leonard…”

“Gasps. Phillip, Leonard, why are you quarrelling? You are my two dearest con-fi-dents.
Sternly, this must stop. Oh… I will not have you creating a scene.” “No chance of that.”

“Well they say the great songs never die.”

“Don’t pretend you haven’t been encouraging him with your looks, your smiles… your caring touch with the patients.
God bless you dear. And you, Dr. Sebastian, with your skillful hands and knowing words… your knowing looks and glances.
Everything in a skirt is an open casting call… and you answer that call. Yes, bringing hope to those who are sick and wounded…
Wounded, wounded, the way you wounded my pride, over and over again. Well, let’s see how you manage without me.
I’m leaving! And you won’t be hearing from me again…” “Well, at least things are picking up.”

“Hello, I’m looking for the woman who’s suffering from possible delusions?” “Oh, yes, I called you.”
“Well, admitting your problem is an important first step. I’m Dr. Sebastian.” “No. He’s Dr. Sebastian.”
“Well, what do you think, Mr. Carr?” “Think? Think? The whole thing is a shambles… people aren’t who they seem.
Nobody makes any sense... Oh, my god, do you realize what you have here? It's our very human deliema...
It’s life itself! It’s cataclysm lurking beneath our smug, placid, social order.
It’s insane! It’s theater of the absurd! It’s brilliant!”

“I wanted you to be the first to know.” “Thanks. I understand.” “Well, time for my final segment.”
“Victor. What about us?” “You mean WENN? Everyone here?” “Of course.” “Well, I think you’ll be fine.”

“You looked so beautiful… you wore a white mantle over a simple blue dress.”
“Oh, Jeff, you remember that? Yes, and at the hotel, our first morning as man and wife,
I looked at you, still asleep on that four-poster bed, the sun spilling across your face,
I looked at you and I thought, ‘What in God’s name have I done?’” “Hilary!”

“And to you, listening out there, right now, sitting alone in a little room or working late again at the office…
I’m sorry that I did not get to communicate to you all that I had hoped to while we shared this time over the airwaves together.
This is Victor Comstock signing off for now, but rest assured, WENN will be here for you tomorrow.”



Episode 10: Valentino Speaks


“But Peter, it is Peter, isn’t it?” “Ah, Paul.” “Paul. How could you, ah, know that?”

"I guess it's just you and me now Mittens." "Meow!"

“By pressing the throat, you encourage no breath at all.”

“Fantastic! You were all so good, so fantastic. And pops!
When you said ‘don’t let the bedbugs bite’ I could feel those bedbugs biting.”
“Soak your long johns in cold water with just a teaspoon of peroxide.” “That’s a fantastic idea.”

“Give it power, give it passion, but above all, make the lips match.”

“That Voluptuous Dame’s Got Initials V.D.” “That must have been a swell double-bill.” “They were fantastic.”

“Look! I have gold in my pants!”

“Your Raja has-ya. Your Raja has-ya.”

“And let your eyes smolder, smolder, smolder…” “Do you smell something burning?” “Baked ham.”

“Hilary, I was thinking: you know, Gable, Tracy…they're all right, but Hollywood needs some fresh blood.”
“I have a knife. We'll send them two quarts right after you get dressed.”

“The Sahara dress.” Why do you call it that?” “Plenty of wide open spaces.”

“Get out of the way please.”

“Ms. Roberts? Do you think you could loosen up a little?” “Well, gee, I guess I feel a little tense.”
“Just a little? You look like you’re suffering from rigamortis and in a love scene, that’s not good.”

“Wouldn’t it be more natural if we walked in, holding hands?” “This is a desert abduction, not a date.”

“They call you a barber, Ian… a bar-bar-ian.”

“Do you love him, or your hat?” “It’s so hard, you see in radio we get to hold the scripts…”
“He’s got a point, Betty. If we want the scene to work, we need to look at each other.”

“Acting is holding a mirror up to people and showing them how they are and who they are and what they can become.
And good acting touches the head and the heart, not just the eyes.
No, Mr. Peck... acting is truth, and I may not be the best actor in the world, but I'm certainly not a liar.”

“Congratulations, Paul.” “Paul? Is your name Paul?” “Paul Rice.” “Oh, no, it’s not. Raul. Raul Romano. It’s fantastic.”

“Now that was the kiss of the Raja!”



Episode 11: A Capital Idea


“Sorry, I’m looking for the woman who’s in charge of…” “Oh, you want to work in…” “I thought I’d try my hand in…”
“She’s in the control room…” “Well, thanks.” “The young lady said I should come in here…” “Come in, please, Mr...”
“Please, no Mr. I’m only called Mr. by the lawyers and the plaintiff.” “Bad associations?”
“Some of my associations went bad, but others… the ASPCA, for example, went excellently.
So, is this what they call the control room?” “We call it that… Creatively, what aspect of radio drama most interests you?”
“It doesn't. Never had much time for radio. Stops me from thinking out loud. Bought a second-hand schooner that had a radio,
but I never really listened until I ran up on a reef off Samoa and had to wait almost a week for help. Ever try to eat a barnacle?”
“No…” “Don't.” “I promise not to.” “Well, ah, sir, your life sounds quite picturesque, but I think that we are looking for someone
who’s just starting out, who shows a little more interest in radio, and our station. So, good luck to you on your future endeavors…”
“Wait. You don’t want me here?” “I think we’re going to have to miss out on the opportunity.”

“Where did you meet Mr. Comstock?” “Oh, I ran into Victor in London,
and he talked me into taking the job, but actually, a lot of what he talked about was you.”
“What’d he say?” “Oh, things you’d love to hear and hate knowing I heard.
Betty, it’s a real pleasure, but I need this office.”

“He’ll be here in, oh, would you look at the time…” “But the rest of my personal things…”
“Oh, you can finish moving your stuff after we have lunch.”
“Lunch?” “You’re not going to fire me and cancel lunch all on the same day, are you?
I’ve got to tell you all about Victor. Now, Betty, I really need you out of here. Pronto.” “Pronto.”
“Pronto, the Lone Ranger’s trusted companion, right? See, I’m talking radio already.”

“He doesn't sound very radio, does he? ...not one of us.”
“Us? Do you mean as if he's someone lacking in dramatic training,
with no true theatrical experience, who simply wanders in here one day
and thinks he owns a piece of the place, that sort of thing?”
“No, I meant somebody who might want to clear out some of the deadwood
and focus on some of the younger talent, ya' know, that sort of thing.”

“His name is Newman?” “No, I said ‘New man’. His name is Sherwood. And he’s in Victor’s… he’s in his office…”

“Well, gee, I don’t think I know how…” “Know-how! Victor told me,
if you have anything, it’s know-how. Oh, would you look at the time… 90 seconds.”

“Well Hi!” “Hi.” “So…” “That was my best opening!” “So, you’ll try another…” “I don’t think I have another. Up until now,
‘Well, Hi!’ has always been enough. My gosh, Betty! He didn’t even give me the time of day!”
“The time of day… The Hands of Time…”

“Oh, you’re all the present I need, for the present, Brent.”

“Oh, Brent, it’s a… brisket of beef, freshly butchered.” “Oh, that’s not just any brisket of beef, darling, it’s USDA prime.”
“…the kind we used to find at Kepler’s Quality Meats on North Wooster.” “Oh, that quaint little store with the ample parking?”

“What in the blazes was that? …I have, in my time, had to grit my teeth and deliver some flat and functional lines.
I’ve said, ‘Tennis anyone?’ I’ve said, ‘Tea and crumpets anyone?’ I’ve said, ‘Tell me how you escaped from Devil’s Island, Randolph?’
But I have never, ever, had to digress within a love scene to contemplate a carcass of raw meat.” “I’m sorry, you are?”
“I’m Hilary Booth, of course.” “Scott Sherwood. I guess you work at this station.”
“I am this station! But you probably know my name from the stage. The Rivals? Razzle Dazzle?!”
“Well, you see, I’m a total ignoramus when it comes to theater. Never took to it. No second feature, no cartoon, no popcorn…”
“I was Ophelia in John Barrymore’s Hamlet…” “Well, there you go… you see, I always thought Hamlet was written by Shakespeare.”
“I’m sure you’re very well known…” “I am extremely well known among those who know who I am.”

“Now, I could tell you all about myself, and some of it might even be true…”

“I’m betting you two will be here long after I’ve left.” “Well, I can only stay till seven.”

“This could be revolutionary.” “It’s revolting.”

“Well, hi.” “Hi. Oh, that’s the voice! You’re the girl! You are perfect!”

“Then I saw her.” “Hi, stranger.” “She wore a mouse grey, worsted wool cardigan with a pew skirt of heavy tweed,
flat-heeled broogs and orthopedic stockings, the kind of outfit you’d find at ‘The Tailored Woman’, open evenings ‘til 8 pm.”
“Got a flame for my cigarette, slammer?” “I took out my Flintlock lighter, knowing that despite the fog, it would light,
first time, every time, or full purchase price cheerfully refunded.”
“I hope you can adjust your wick.” “Are you kidding, it’s a Flintlock.”

“We’ll return to Sam Dane, Private Detective. But now, a word from our sponsor.” “But now a word from our sponsor.
It’s all a word from our sponsor!” “That does it! If I wanted to be a stock boy in a shoe shop,
I would’ve been that, wouldn’t have I? They’re ruining all of the characters!”
“Sam Dane is fictitious, Mr. Eldridge.” “Oh, so you’ve noticed it too, huh?
Tell Mr. Sherwood, if he decides to get back into radio, he can reach me at home.”

“You’re sinking the ship for the insurance, just so that you can buy a new rudder.”
“I know, that never works, does it? But the station has more sponsors than ever.”
“Yes, but at what cost? You know, Victor Comstock pulled some pretty good scams to keep us afloat,
but Victor would have never done something like this.”
“Betty, apparently I forgot to tell you something when I first introduced myself.” “What?” “I’m not Victor Comstock.”

“Vienito Wines and Windsor Pipe Tobacco presents Sherlock Holmes in the Case of the Murdered Monarch.”

“...who could have done such a thing?” “I did it. I killed my husband by putting a poisoned dart in his bagpipes.”
“It was the duchess! She’s the killer! Congratulations, Holmes, you’ve done it again.”
“Ah, yes, Watson, let us begin our investigation of this murder by taking the first train to Scotland.” “Jolly Good.”

“Well, I know traditionally, the solution comes at the end of the mystery,
but we thought that Vienito Wines would like to try something un-traditional. Hello?”

“At the tone, Broome Brothers time will be Thursday.” “Now stay tuned for 15 minutes of mime.”

“Ms. Booth, aren’t the performances a little bit off tonight?”
“No. A little bit more energized, perhaps. We actors will try anything once
if we think there’s a chance it could turn the trick.”

“Rance Shiloh, US Marshall, and the Thursday edition of the Friday Night Fights,
and Custard the Clown are brought to you simultaneously by Acton Anthracite Coal.”

“They’re tired, they’re punching, they’re kissing.”



Episode 12: Popping the Question


“I occasionally take my husband’s name in vain, but never in the credits.”

“I have something to tell you that you might find interesting.” “Well, that would make for a change.”

“Okay, Jeff, I've got Valiant Journey and Our Fleeting Passion for you. And Mackie, I've got Tales of Tension,
and I should have The Crimson Blade finished in about 15 minutes or so.”
“I just want to know how he gets out of it.” “What do you mean?”
“Last week you had me falling 500 feet into a vat of boiling oil and I can't imagine how you get me out of it.”
“Gee, me, neither. Just 15 minutes, Mackie.”

“And now I’ll show you something I think you’ll find really interesting.
This is the control room where we make sure that we, um, don’t lose control.
And of course, these are just a few of our many… controls. Am I getting too technical?”
“I suppose you don’t have any frequency modulation equipment? Strictly amplitude.”
“Oh, does radio interest you, Randall?” “No. I just have one of those brains. I retain everything.”
“That happens to me in the summer.” “My father sends me to Switzerland in the summer; all part and parcel of being a Parson.”
“Switzerland, Palm Beach, Princeton… you must spend half your time packing.” “Eh, work, work, work.”

“Finishing up work?” “If it doesn’t finish me off, first.” “Great. I want you to start on something.”
“Oh, actually, I have plans for this evening.” “That’s right. We both do. Scoot on in and I’ll tell you what they are.”

“Now, will you cover the phones.” “Alright… with what?”

“Oh, yes, Ms. Roberts works here. She does nothing but work here.”

“What you’re describing is called a quiz show. They’re very popular, but you have to give away money.
And if we had money to give away, we’d keep it, wouldn’t we?”

“Betty, what would you say to a radio show that gave away 6,400 dollars to a member of the listening public?”
“I’d say the heck with the listening public, let’s go to Miami.” “See, tomorrow morning this town will be buzzing.”
“You want to announce it tomorrow?” “I want to do it, tonight.” “How on earth could you do it tonight?”
“Oh, no, no, no, no. I see what you mean, I couldn’t possibly do it tonight. You’ll do it. Very exciting!”

“He has a date with Betty.” “Our Betty?”

“So, tell us all about yourself, Doug.”

“It’s fixed? I mean, the questions will be weighted in favor of one of the contestants?”
“Oh, no, no, no, sorry. It would be fixed.”

“But don’t they always say something about…that no relative of the sponsor is allowed to enter the contest?
Don’t they always say that?” “Yeah, so, we won’t say that. See, simple.”

“And as the only member of the law firm that actually listens to radio, they thought I should handle it.
Betty and I were talking back and forth on the phone and finally I got the courage to ask her for a date.”
“Isn’t that something? So, you two haven’t actually met?” “No. But I’m really looking forward to it.
That is if you’d, ah, I’d sort of like her to know that I’m here.”

“So what sort of future is there in the law profession these days, Doug?”

“I keep thinking that I’ve forgotten something…” “Forget it.” “I think I already have…”

“But the legal aid work is probably what means the most to me.” “That’s all volunteer work.”
“That doesn’t pay any money, does it?” “It pays me in other ways.”

“I’m supposed to be getting Miss Roberts some dinner.” “Not very thoughtful to keep Miss Roberts waiting, Doug.”

“Bach’s Stocatta and Fugue in D Minor?” “Ooh, sounds snappy.”

“This whole thing is a fraud. No, we’re not breaking the law, we’re just lying to all our listeners.”
“Wait, you mean to tell me that the romances on your soap operas are real?” “I wouldn’t know about romance.”

“How ‘bout you?” “I wrote the questions.” “Oh, yeah, that’s right. You might slip up and give the right answer.”
“We need someone who’s certain to get everything wrong.” “Hello.” “And we’ll need one more.”

“I play characters, I don’t play games… and if I did play games, you can be sure I wouldn’t lose.”

“That means that the Crimson Blade will be falling into a vat of boiling oil for another week.” “It’s a long drop.”

“Doug Thompson? I wish I were anyone in the world right now but Betty Roberts at the moment, but I’m afraid I am. I’m so sorry.”
“In the boy scouts they said the greatest sight to see when you wake is a sunrise. Forget the boy scouts.”

“What are they up to out there?” “Ah, 800 dollars.”

“Can you name the seven tributaries of the Amazon River?” “No, sir, I cannot.” “Correct for 1,600!”

“That is the Brainstorm theme song.” “But, what I have here…” “You called it that yourself.”
“I haven’t seen such a run of luck since I threw dice in Singapore.
Watch, the next question will be ‘What’s amnesia’ and he’ll say, ‘I don’t remember’.”

“On July 1st, 1898, in the Spanish American war, who led the charge at the Battle of El Canay?” “Jim Davis.”
“I’m sorry, it was Leonard Wood. It says so in the encyclopedia.”
“Oh, I know all the books say that, but it was Jim Davis. I was there, right behind him when he led the charge…
and I won’t take it back.” “I’m sorry, Mr. Eldridge, but it was a good try.”
“And our next contestant is Mr. Foley… Mr. Foley Smith.” “This I gotta hear.”
“Mr. Foley said he’d do it?” “Well, I asked him; he didn’t say he wouldn’t.”

“I think I’m about to learn a very expensive lesson.”

“For 400 dollars, who was Vice President under James Buchanan?” “Breckenridge.”
“For 800 dollars, the first laws of planetary motion were known as?” “Kepler’s Laws.”
“For 1,600 dollars, the scientific name for parrot fever is?” “Psittacosis.”

“Miss Roberts, what do the call letters W.E.N.N. stand for?” “They stand for… honesty.
An honest attempt by people earning an honest living to entertain other people.
And if we fail, it’s an honest mistake, and we try to learn from it.”
“That happens to be correct. Now for 6,400 dollars, the final question, and please, think carefully.
Where are the Islets of Langerhans?” “The Islets of Langerhans can be found in the… Bay of Biscay.”

“Your first question, Mr. Randall, for 400 dollars. Hannibal crossed the Alps during the course of what war?”
“That would be the Third Punic War.” “I’m sorry, it was the Second Punic War.”

“Thanks for being wrong, Betty. At just the right times.”



Episode 13: World of Tomorrow


“Now, sweetheart, if I let you drive the family car, I don’t want you speeding!” “Oh, dad! Stop living in the past!
All vehicles in America are regulated by central traffic control in New Chicago. Nobody can go over 200 miles an hour…”
“Make sure you recharge the atomic engine before you go, dear. The department of weather has scheduled an hour of rain at 10:14 tonight;
I don’t want you stranded in South America again.” “Unbelievable? No. American Way Greeting Cards again takes you
again 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years into the future to the amazing world of…” “Nineteen-Ninety.”
“Yes, time again to join the Jones family, people just like you and me who, as part of a government experiment,
were placed in suspended animation for half a century and who now make their home in the bright and breathtaking world of tomorrow,
in the year…” “Nineteen-Ninety... yea…yea…yea.” “What would you like for dinner, dear?”
“Well, I’ve had nothing but protein capsules all week.”
“How bout some “fast food”? I’ll put this nice rib roast in the atomic oven… (ding) and it’s done!”
“By the way, the boss said he wants me to work Saturdays.” “Instead of Fridays?” “No! Saturdays and Fridays.”
“Two days a week! Honey, what’s happening to our home life?”

“A lot of people think of our greeting cards as old fashioned doilies and paper hearts…
you’ve shown Pittsburgh we’re a company of the future, Ms. Roberts.” “Well, we can’t ask for more than that, Mr. Devere.”
“Sure we can, right this way, Bob. Betty… You’re sitting on a national advertising budget, Bob.
And we’re just getting a few pennies for Pittsburgh.”
“Well, you’re a local station, Sherwood. I can hardly…” “We are in the business of sending sound out into the air,
American air…sea to shining sea. We know no bounds.” “Well, we do have a 70 mile radius…” “You have to think big, Bob!”
“We…” “…too!” “American Way has its own pavilion at the World’s Fair in New York, you know…‘The Hall of Greeting’.”
“And there’s a great American way for your pavilion and this station to team up…tell him, Betty.” “Uh, yes…well”
“Oh, would you look at the time! I’ll be right back…”

“Great! I need to have a word with you Hildy.” “It’s Hilary.”
“Oh, gosh, I’m sorry. I was kinda friendly with a trapeze artist named Hildy. Hilary isn’t short for Hildegard, is it?”
“My name isn’t short for anything, Mr. Sherwood.” “Ah, right this way, I need to have a word with you.”

“What…what? I’m sorry, operator, I can’t hear… Oh, London!
Ooh, ooh, it’s Victor, all the way from London, person to person for Jeff.”
“Oh, well Jeff would want to hear about that!” “Oh, Victor, hi! It’s me, Gertie! Ah, what time is it there?”
“It’s good to have you back, Celia. How did the screen test go?” “Oh, you know, “face left, face right, say your name”,
they did say I was very photographic…” “Umm, that you are, Celia.” “So what happens next?”
“Oh, you know the people in New York said they’d call me, but who knows, you know…”
“It’s an important, long distance call. It’s for…”
“For me?” “No, no, no, Victor Comstock.” “Victor’s in England, Mr. Eldridge.” “That’s right.”
“Ah, well, don’t you think you should tell whoever’s calling?” “Tell ‘em what?” “That Victor’s in London.”
“Well, I should think he’d know that!” “Ah, Mr. Eldridge, maybe we ought to, ah, start this again…” “Hmm?”

“I’m gathering you’re a bit of a celebrity around here…” “Hmm, I’m not sure I’d put it in quite that fashion.”

“Valiant…” “Valiant Journey. The story of Daphne Danvers and…” “Could you let me hear how you sound on that show?”
“What? Here? Now?” “Whenever you like.” “Well, it’s… I mean this is hardly the…” “You go right ahead.”
“Ummm… well, let me see, what was Daphne saying today? ‘Oh, Phillip,
have you ever in God’s creation seen such a beautiful morning…”
“Yep! That’s the problem. Daphne’s supposed to sound southern, right?” “Supposed to sound?”
“Hildy, I just signed a new sponsor for the show that makes one product in the whole world. Mother Martin’s Yankee Bean Soup.
Yankee. They think that your accent conflicts with their product. So, from here on could you make Daphne not southern?”
“What? You mean drop the accent I’ve had Daphne using for all these years? How, how would I explain to everyone how she’s been talking?”
“You could say that she was just joking.” “Joking.” “Yeah, like the accent was her way of kidding around.
I mean it’s not like it’s a real southern accent.”
“Why stop there, Scotty? Let’s sign a sponsor who makes Borsht, and we’ll reveal that Daphne’s a Russian spy.”
“You know, that’s not a bad idea.”

“Well, they admire my, ah, journalistic prowess, but they don’t think that my radio reportorial style is quite American enough.
They think that I have a proclivity for the grandiloquent! Imagine that!” “Now who could ever say that?”
“Well, you think about it, you let me know.” “Well of course…of course I’ll think about it.”

“Jeff, is…is Betty, is Betty there?” “What? I can’t hear.” “Hello? Hello?”
“Hello?” “We’ve lost the connection.” “What’d he call about, Jeff?”
“Oh, you know, ‘How are things back home’, that sort of thing. Where’s Hilary?” “In the Green room.”

“And so…the boy has traveled all the way from Pittsburgh to visit the world’s fair.
Where he hopes that someone in charge will help him find his way home to his aunt and uncle.
And with him are the three friends that he met along the way…the,
the funny farmer and the brave soldier and the cowardly… ah, wrestler.
And then, they see it! They see the gleaming ivory city! The wonderful, wonderful world’s fair!”
“Sounds a bit like the Wizard of Oz, so far.” “Oh, well, all timeless stories have superficial similarities.” “How we doing?”
“Ah, Miss Roberts was just finishing up.” “You came up with something? Great! I mean, didn’t she come up with something great?”
“Well, it seems like a nice local show… not very big.” “But the finale!” “The big finale!” “Those big buildings!”
“The Trylon, the Perisphere, the Futurama!” “All lit up with colored lights and fireworks like they do every night,
and this program coming from every loudspeaker in the park, for the ultimate merger of sound and vision.”
“How, how would you do that?” “Coaxial tielines. Betty?”
“Ah… all of New York being able to see and hear the American Way of, of world understanding, the world of tomorrow.”
“And over inspirational music, a voice…” (Battle Hymn of the Republic)
“Why should there not be confidence in the ultimate justice of the people? Is there any better hope in the world?”
“Who, who said that?” “Abraham Lincoln.” “Oh, oh, the fair closes next Tuesday, I’ve got to call my people in New York.”
“Gertie will get you a line out this instant. Right down there.” “Thank you.”

“The collected speeches of Abraham Lincoln.” “I take it everywhere. When in doubt, quote Lincoln. Nobody argues with Lincoln.”
“And just what is a coaxial tieline?” “I don’t have the slightest idea. Sounded good, didn’t it?”

“Hilary, just think of it as if I’ve been offered a great role in Hollywood. I mean, that’s 3,000 miles away too.”
“But there’s talk of the Germans bombing London. There’s no bombs in Hollywood, unless you count the films of Grace Cavendish.
Wait a minute! You can’t go! We’re married!” “Hilary, we are not married.”
“Well, we were. All marriages are sacred in the eyes of God.”
“Well, we had a Mexican marriage and a Mexican divorce. Our marriage is only sacred in the eyes of the Cisco Kid.”
“But no one knows we’re divorced. They won’t draft you in a war if they think you’re married.” “But I’m not being drafted.
America’s not at war and we’re not married.” “Getting married that night in Matamoros seemed like such a wonderful idea…
’course, getting divorced two weeks later was even a better concept.” “Hmm. We shouldn’t have even waited the two weeks.
But the public was in love with the idea of us being in love. I mean, announcing our divorce
would have been like Loral announcing he can’t get along with Hardy.”
“We’ve made our bed… now we’ll have to not sleep in it. But wouldn’t living a little lie be better than not living at all?
If you go marching of to England…” “Hilary, I’m just going away for a few weeks.
I really feel like this is the right thing for me to do.” “Fine. Be an idiot. See if I care.” “Do you?”
“Of course. Ingram’s Coffee has booked our morning show till the end of the year. Do you?”
“Of course. I hear the coffee’s terrible in England.”

“Well, Mr. Sherwood, let’s see how we define good, hm?
I have one week to figure out how to synchronize a light show
at the New York world’s fair with a radio show in Pittsburgh that…
I haven’t even written. Is that what we mean by good?” “Yeah!”
“I missed a chance to talk to Victor Comstock today… and now we’ve lost Jeff Singer for a whole month.”
“Oh, that’s a serious problem, isn’t it?”

“It even involves a certain amount of risk.” “Damn. I have no idea how to fight patriotism or courage.
Any great suggestions?” “Well, for a start…” “Uh-huh?” “We could say goodbye to him.”

“Let Ingram’s Coffee wake you up. Have a bright and brimming morning cup with Breakfast at Bedside Manor.”
“Well, normally I’d be planting a big kiss on my Jeffrey’s forehead and giving him his morning hug,
along with a loving cup of Ingram’s Coffee.
But while he’s away, Jeff’s father has been kind enough to keep me company. So, what’s ahead for you today, Dad?”
“Well, normally I’d be planting a big kiss on my Jeffrey’s forehead and giving him his morning hug, along with…”
“Oh, pour you some Ingram’s Coffee, Mr. Singer Senior?” “Oh, no, no, I can’t take coffee.
It makes me all nervous and jittery and my palms sweat and there’s this terrible pounding in my…
but of course, a lot of people like that…” “Quite, sir.”

“Is everything going ok?” “No. We abandoned okay last night when Hilary performed Romeo and Juliet as a monologue.
I’m just doing everything I can to fill in the gaps in what’s already written.”

“Your husband can’t speak, Miss Marlow.” “You mean there’s something wrong with his throat?”
“No, not exactly. He’s suffering from amnesia of the throat. What we in the profession call hysterical laryngitis.”
“Mm-hmm. Oh, look doctor. He’s writing something.” “What is he trying to tell us?” “Well, he says…the following:
“Elizabeth, my spirit is filled with fire when I see you standing before me.” “Oh, read on, Elizabeth.”

“They don’t have to. WNYW is carrying our signal also. We’ll be heard on every radio in New York.”
“New York? Now that makes a difference.” “You’re telling me?” “All my friends from Broadway… and some actors too.”
“And agents…” “Yes. Ooh, I better take a better look at the script.” “What’s this I hear about New York, ladies?”

“We’re sending a greeting to the world of understanding. That’s the American way.
Let’s all grow closer in a world that is expanding. The world of tomorrow is the world of today.”

“I an’ my little guys, travellin’ far and wide to find out why America is such a land of pride.”
“Okay, okay. Stop. Stop. What are you doing?” “I’m doing my part.” “The part is for a 12 year old boy.
You’re playing it like a vamp.” “Here. It says, ‘Vamp till ready.’ I’m ready.”
“You have to do it in a young, innocent voice.” “Young and innocent is out. Jeannette McDonald is out.”
“We’ll be out on bail if you play the little tyke like a little tart.
He’s been traveling the countryside with his friends, night after night. You can’t make him sound like Alice Fey.”
“I can’t help the way I was born, Betty.”
“I… alright. Alright, sorry for the interruption everyone. Let’s take it from right after Celia finishes.
If she doesn’t finish us off by then… Eugenia, please…”

“I’m a punch drunk fighter with a cabbage for an ear, who thinks the world is new and strange,
as something that I should fear. Ha, ha, ha. I tremble at the thought…”
“Okay. Umm… Let’s just take an eight bar rest for a second…” “What?” “Mackie, we have five minutes.
Um, this part calls for a funny, goofy voice.” “Oh, you mean like, ‘I’m a punch drunk fighter with a cabbage for an ear’.”
“Yes, yes, that’s perfect.” “Betty, I’ve done that. I’ve done that a thousand times.” “I know. Do it again.”
“This is my chance for all New York to hear me as a leading man.” “Mackie, it won’t work if you don’t do it by the numbers.
Mackie please? Great! Okay, okay everyone. Let’s take it from the chorus again.
The one just before where Tommy meets a little old lady, selling apples in the street. Eugenia?”

“Here I am in tattered rags and lines in every pore, that’s just my little joke of course, I’m whom all men adore.
The toast of every continent…” “Wait! What is that voice?” “That’s my voice, Betty.
That’s the voice that people on Broadway pay top dollar to hear.”
“Yes, but you are supposed to be playing a destitute victim of poverty.
And what did you do to the words?” “I fixed them; they were broken.”

“Listen, in four minutes, we are supposed to be sounding to the world like ordinary Americans
who pull together for the united cause of understanding. Could we let life imitate art?
Could we put aside our individual concerns and, and join as one? Come on! Here we go! Eugenia, from the final chorus.”

“Oh, it’s you. How’s the big broadcast going?” “Why don’t you come into the control room and see?
You’re not even playing our station.” (camptown races) “Well, it’s kind of out of my hands now.”
“Look… the Trylon and the Perisphere… lit up for the very last time…” “I never thought anything could look so wonderful.”
“Sounds okay.” “It is okay. Everyone’s doing an okay job. It’s just flat. It could have been special.
And we have a weak finish: just music. I needed Jeff, the voice of tomorrow.” “He’s broadcasting tonight, isn’t he?”
“Midnight in London. Well, I have to get back to the control room. Feel free to drop by any time.”

“I’ve never been so torn in all my life. I didn’t know weather to listen to us, or to this.”
“Despite the bombardment of London by German aircraft earlier this evening…” “They’re bombing London.”
“…we’ll bring you our scheduled program with Mr. Victor Comstock and Mr. Jeffery Singer.”
“And people are listening to this?” “Good evening to our listeners in North America.
You may not see any immediate difference in your quiet streets, but I assure you that once again our world has changed.
Details are few at the moment, but this evening, the rainy city of London was showered with bombs.
And its foggy streets are now lit by fire. To the dead and wounded, I imagine the details matter very little.
I am joined this evening and for the next few weeks by my friend and colleague, Mr. Jeff Singer,
on leave from radio station WENN in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.” “Thank you, Victor.”

"…But these were not fireworks… they were bombs. Real bombs. Bombs that fell on cinemas and tea shops and churches and houses…
and there were people in those houses. Children. And mothers searching in the dark for their children… people. Tomorrow is…”
“I hope people are hearing this.” “Can you put a mike on this?” “The world tomorrow is the world of today.”
“Tomorrow is promised to no one, they say, but our tomorrow can be filled with promise
if we just allow our world to spin around on its orbit. If we can thank our good fortune for being along on this ride,
then our world of tomorrow will be a place bright with hope, lit, not by the smoking fires of the dark,
but by the light of the morning, the dawn of respect, compassion and understanding.”
“Keep them turned up. Keep singing everyone.” “… For that world will live and pray.”

“There are no windows in studio D. We’re two stories below the ground.
And for that, I suppose, at the moment we should be grateful.
We can hear the explosions through the walls. Most of them sound pretty far away.”
“…it’s the one right above you that you can’t hear.
Well, it seems like we’ve had a moment of silence. Victor, our, our listeners are…”

“And we have apparently lost our relay transmission from London. Please stand by.”

End of Season On